Hello grape-heads,I don't have any major revelations this week, so I thought I'd just share a couple of random things I found on the web. First is an online quiz that will tell you how many 5-year-old kids you could take on in a fight. Not exactly indispensable knowledge, but you never know when you might be ambushed by a gang of crazed kindergarteners. Or when you might feel like kicking some ass at the local playground.
Second is a map of the U.S. showing the regional nicknames for soft drinks. I've seen this before, but it still amazes me that people in the South will refer to any brand of carbonated beverage as a "Coke". Also, the map is really pretty to look at.
What do these two websites have in common? Not much, except for the fact that you'll probably be pretty thirsty after fighting all those 5-year-olds.
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Happy Birthday! I didn't get you a present, but then I thought, what better present than letting you know what a loyal Concords readers I am? So, Happy Birthday! I also sent you a card, also having to do with grapes. Enjoy. BTW, even though I said I wouldn't fight dirty or hurl a child, the quiz said I could take on 13 5-year-olds. I think that's a lot -- I feel pretty bad ass right now.
Without even taking the quiz, I can tell you how many 5-year-olds I could successfully combat: infinite. Now, I know that may sound like a grandiose statement, and certainly there could be qualifying conditions where eliminating all the 5-year-olds (5YO's) in the world might prove non-feasible. But here's how I look at it: as long as you don't become trapped in a situation where the sheer physical mass of a horde of 5YO's could pin you down and subdue you, there's no way they could win. Now, here's what I would do: the 5-year-olds attack, right? And I start running away. I'm pretty sure I could outrun any 5YO in the world. After running some distance, I would feign fatigue and slow down, allowing the speediest 5YO to catch up to me. Then, I would suddenly whirl around and say, "You want a piece of me? You want to fuck with a guy in his 30's, with a ton of student loans and a receding hairline?" BAM! It wouldn't take more than 5-10 seconds. Even so, by that time a couple more 5YO's would probably arrive. I would disable them, too, then start running again. Then feign fatigue again. It would become a battle of attrition, and I would win.
Some may ask, what about a situation where you can't run? Well, you can still use the strategy of divide-and-conquer. Say I was in a steel-cage, MMA-type match with a couple dozen 5YO's. While still at full strength, I would quickly plow into a crowd of them at top speed, hopefully dazing or rendering non-operational a good percentage of them. I would then stack those kids in a U-shaped pile and hunker down behind it. Then, I would take out individual 5YO's as they tried to clamber over the barricade of their fallen comrades. If the supply of 5YO's could be continuously replenished, and there was no time limit on the combat, sure they might eventually overcome me when I got tired. But if there were a finite number of kids within the steel cage, I can't envision any type of scenario where they could defeat me, except maybe if they climbed like monkeys to the ceiling of the cage and dropped down on me from above. That would probably defeat my barrier of incapacitated kids.
I've done some quick calculations, and I estimate there are probably about 200 million 5YO's in the world. I really believe I could defeat them all. Of course, it would take a long time! Even longer if the kids didn't all attack me at once, and I had to travel to places like Slovenia and Bangladesh to fight the kids there. It could even take years; and obviously, during that time, some of the kids would have gotten older and stronger, and also the kids I'd taken out early on would have recovered and presumably launched another attack. Even so, I need to be clear about one thing: I would not intentionally cripple or maim any of the kids. It would go against my principles.
Obviously, this is all just hypothetical. I haven't taken the quiz yet or even checked out the website. I plan to do so, and I'll let you know how it turns out ...
Well, it turns out I could only handle three 5-year-olds before being dismembered. Sorry for the confusion ...
I can beat up 25 5-year-olds, or, I suppose, one 125-year-old.
Hmmmm this is in response Trevor's post (he really needs his OWN blog) While he says he can fight an infinite number of 5 year olds, this is not what he describes. What he describes is actually fighting 3 (yes 3 at most) 5 Year olds at a time. and running away. He then retracts that claim, and claims 3!!!! I will even challenge this claim. since it is bases on his assumption that he can out run a 5 year old. While I will agree that he likely could keep this up for a short time. However I feel he neglects to realize that at 30 something he has far less energy then any 5 year old. Myself, despite being told I could take 35 of the rug rats I recognize the one focused 5 year old would be the end to me eventually. Sure it would take some time but I would not stand a chance
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